*Clears Throat*

So, I should be going to bed right now because I have work in the morning but instead I feel compelled to write about my recent moviegoing experience.

"Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen"

I actually hate to write down that whole title, because I am sure that there is some tracking software that will show my words as some kind of percentage of people who are "talking" about the film. Like tags on Twitter. Almost as bad is the fact that I added to the somewhere around $60 million dollars this complete abortion of film made its first day.

Let us start at the beginning ( Which is, I am told, a VERY good place to start), or rather, before the beginning. The trailers. Never before in my life have I seen 4-5 movie trailers that added up to little more than a cacophony or trilling CG creatures and explosions. The only trailer that didn't make me almost weep with envy of those people outside the theater, silently and peacefully slumbering away the night, was the one for "Funny People," which as trailers go is not all that great (mainly because it gives away seemingly every story arc). Also "2012" made me go "ooooooh" simply because of the heavy-metal album art visuals that it attained (The Sistine Chapel splitting to separate Man from God was like Megadeth + Iron Maiden). The combined trailers for "G-Force," "Aliens in the Attic," and "G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra" had me literally crying tears of blood. I'm not making this up or exaggerating in any way, I actually had blood coming out of my eyes. Audience members began to clap at the end of the "G.I. Joe" trailer, so I turned around and fucking pleaded with them to stop. Honest to God, I did. So these first twenty or so minutes were the perfect barometer of the intelligence/standards of the audience around me and also the absolute shit-storm of a movie I was about to see.

Now, to the film (*cough*) in question.

Easily one of the longest god damned movies I have ever sat through. It clocks in at around 2 hours 30 minutes, but feels like at least 4 hours. Now, if I remember correctly "The Dark Knight" was about as long, but it had one thing (well, really several......really everything) going for it that this movie does not have. ACTION! It's a GOD DAMNED ACTION MOVIE!! IT'S A GO DAMNED MICHAEL BAY MOVIE!! WHAT THE FUCK?! The biggest moments in this movie about TOWERING robots with LASERS AND FUCKMISSILESFUCK were cause by the humans! Devastator, the HUGE villain made up of 5 or 6 Decepticons is taken out by an experimental rail gun aboard a naval carrier. Why resurrect Optimus when we have the power of the U.S. Navy? GO USA! To put this in perspective, imagine going to see the latest Jurassic Park movie and in the movie you see PEOPLE EATING DINOSAURS. This is not what you expected. This is not what you wanted to see. And it is really boring, because that means that these FUCKING DINOSAURS were really never that much of a threat anyway if we can just just leap onto their backs and tear out their throats with our god damned teeth! To Michael Bay's credit, he did film one of the coolest looking explosions of all time. But, honestly, what good is that if you don't show the robots getting blown up? It's just a huge fireball for no reason. It's like Michael Bay went into this movie with a deal from Sony promising him x amount of money to make a WHOLE movie that is one long Blu-Ray Disc promotion. Honestly, when you walk into Best Buy 3 years from now they will still be playing this movie on their big screens to sell TVs. Except they will probably have the good sense to put that fight scene (the last ten minutes or so of the whole movie) on repeat because it is hard to sell TVs with exposition. And LORD does this movie has its exposition. In one of the first scenes the "dick bureaucrat" character actually says, "So let me wrap up things. We have megatron in x place under x defenses. And we have the last remaining piece of Allspark, needed to restore him, in x place under x defenses." Now, the fact that SoundWave was updated from a boombox to a satellite was, in my opinion, the only interesting and inspired part of the whole movie. But, even SoundWave must have heard that and been like, "Damn, really? It was never this easy on CyberTron."

Then Sam goes to college, because he has to grow as a character in some way except oh he gets taken out his very first day by a Decepticon that is a "robot in disguise" disguised as a woman. ......... I'm going to give you, True Believers, a moment to let that settle in. I am also going to remind you that the director to this film scoffed at McG for having large robots in "Terminator: Salvation."

Quick question, if you were a robot and needed to disguise yourself among a planet inhabited by humans and had the CHOICE, would you:

A) Disguise yourself as another human.

B) Disguise yourself as an inanimate object that is constantly getting keyed, crashing, getting puked in, etc.

Apparently, Optimus Prime didn't get the memo that Autobots could choose to transform into OTHER shit. Which might be a good thing, because when a robot is hunting down humans and does NOT transform into ANYTHING, it is no longer a "Transformer." It is a "fucking killer robot." And in the case of "fucking killer robot that looks like a person," it is called "A GOD DAMNED TERMINATOR!!" Jesus! There is even an attack scene with said "Transformer" when it latches onto the car that the THREE characters are escaping in. All it lacked was Megan Fox handing Shia LaBuoefxxorf a shotgun so that he could clumsily load it. At this point I would actually be envious of those stupid ball Decepticons that transformed into a flat robot, because even though they apparently lived within the gullet of the cat Decepticon at least they had the distinction of actually being worth a damn.

I have been writing (ranting, really) for an hour now. Time for bed. More to come to be sure, but take heed. You will want to see this movie. If only to see why it is so bad. I ask you to not. Wait for it on DVD, if only to reduce the INSANE amount of money that the hack known as "Bay" will obtain for this absolute garbage.

Ryan Seacrest . Com!

So the poster for "New Moon" came out and, as all things tween related, was of course tweeted by Ryan Seacrest. Here is the poster:

Looks pretty ridiculous, no? I also love the huge "RYANSEACREST . COM" watermark, like he owns the franchise or something. So there were comments below the image, mainly glowing about how hot so-and-so looks. I decided to leave my mark. My s/n is MuteAnt and I am the last comment on the list:

Squint. You can read it. I wanted it to be offensive to the fans, but sound earnest and ignorant enough that it would not flag the admin of Ryan Seacrest . com (who is most likely, let's face it, Ryan Seacrest).

Why me?

That is often a question I find myself asking ........ my ....... self ...... when situations that are usually reserved for non-productive writing meetings of "Curb Your Enthusiasm," happen to me in real life.

Situation A:

I am applying to Texas State and I needed to have a transcript from ACC sent in to be evaluated. I went in about two weeks ago to ACC and, when asked whether I wanted to have it mailed or sent electronically, I chose the more quick option. I called Texas State on Friday and they still had not received the transcript so I went to the registrar's office today and it turns out that while my transcript was sent to Texas State on 5/18/09, ACC's computers were showing that Texas State received said transcript on 2/19/09. That's right. God hates me so much he has my important documents sent back in fucking time just to spite me.

Situation B:

Luis and I decided to get some use out of the basketball that we have collecting dust in our closet and made our way to the indoor basketball gym at our development. We got there and realized that you need your magnetic keycard to get in, even though it is early in the evening and there are still people in the gym and what-not. Rather than walk back to the apartment and retrieve our key, I stopped a gentleman who was checking out the EVENTS calendar who had his keycard in his hand and was standing about two feet away from us. I asked if he would let us in to the basketball court because, you see, I forgot my card back at the apartment. Never making eye contact, the man said, "Forgot your card huh? I'm supposed to believe that, hmmm?" To which I mentally paralyzed-ly resonded, "Erm, yes?" Of course, the one person I ask is the one dyed-in-the-wool redneck in the whole joint. To my surprise he actually yielded and put his card against the sensor, but when I tried the door it would not open. "Won't open huh," he said, sweat-laden towel around his shoulders. This was the kicker, though. The man then turned away from Luis and I and started slowly walking away ....... down to the second door to the gym (hooray! he is being helpful!) .... around the corner down to his truck (god damn-it!). I understand wanting to keep amenities that we pay for (through rent) only accessible to people who actually pay for them, but what happened to human decency and understanding. I can't replicate it in this medium, but the man's tone implied that he would rather rape and kill his dog than ever forget his keycard. Like leaving my keycard at the apartment was akin to leaving a baby alone in an apartment with a loaded and cocked shotgun in its crib, crawling with acid tarantulas. THIS is why I don't exercise.

Another Joe tidbit.

I am Whatthewhat. I feel like I delivered on the comedy here.

And Knowing Is Half The Battle!

Here is my comment on /Film about the new clip of "G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra" that premiered on MTV earlier this week:

" I don't hate on movies very often, but this clip (and all previous trailers/teasers) has done nothing to make me excited for this movie. Instead of making a franchise movie that concentrates on what makes it stand out (specific characters/conflicts), it seems to me that the producers just wanted to make a summer sci-fi formulaic blockbuster and decided to put G.I. Joe skins over that framework. This is proven in the fact that instead of just being elite soldiers, the Joes are required to wear suits to do any combat with Cobra that make them move and look like man-sized Transformers. I don't have amazingly high hopes for any movie based off an 80's cartoon that had really terrible writing to begin with (Transformers, Joe), but I do expect the people making the movie to stick to what made the original so fun and engaging at the time. "

Also, Dennis Quaid looks constipated.